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 So
part 3 begins...
It's been nearly a year since I last saw her. A year
of thinking and wondering when the next time I'd get
to see her. A year of ups and downs and even a point
of disconnection, where I didn't even know if she ever
wanted to talk to me again. One year of not knowing
truly what's on her side of the world.
And then she came.
But let's take this back a little further.
When I first met Leena she had randomly IM'ed me
out of no where. I didn't think much of it and to me
she really was just another nameless face in the crowd.
At the time I was in this dating mode where I could
literally go out every night of the week with a different
girl. And her being from Sacramento, she wasn't even
close to an option.
As time went on, our talks had gotten from those
superficial hellos to small conversations. One day she
made me a fansign. Could that have been the start of
something special? Perhaps. I remember telling her she
was beautiful and for the first time she made an appearance
on my site in October 2002. For the next couple months
I would disappear and reappear in her life. Not that
I intentionally wanted to, its just how the cards fell
in my life and hers. But regardless she still never
forgot to say hi when she got the chance. Maybe that
was something important to me...
I remember one night in January when I was making
fansigns and doing a webcast when Leena just so happened
to be online. For the first time I actually got to talk
to Leena on the phone. I remember she would sing random
songs that would come to her mind. We talked. Back then
she didn't have a cell phone so reaching her was almost
damn near impossible. We would have to be in sync with
time just to have our phone conversations.
February came and Valentine's Day reared its ugly
head again. I thought that maybe I would take the chance
and ask her to be my Valentine in front of hundreds
if not thousands of people that visited my site. I made
her a Valentine's Day fansign that included some of
my friends participating. I remember that day... because
that was my first mistake. I exposed her to the world
and was ridiculed for attempting to flatter "just another
girl." I took the blame for that one.
She then disappeared from my life. She's highly involved
in the VSA and that was taking up most of her time.
One day she reappeared at a point where I needed some
highly sought after inspiration for a piece I had been
working for in one of my classes. So I painted her using
one of my most favorite webcam shots of her. The painting
would go on to help get funding for Calpoly's art department.
Showcased and featured until the summer.
I've been wanting to see Leena for the longest time.
The phone calls were great and the IM's were memorable,
but we were still living in a world of computer screens.
Every girl I've dated at this point I had somehow convinced
to come see me. I was comfortable on my "home turf"
and to me that was always an advantage. I live life
with as much leverage as I can. But with Leena, things
we're different. For whatever reason, she didn't come
down at first. So I took the initiative and I drove
the 400 miles to see her. Granted of course that I was
killing two birds with one stone by visiting my long
time grade-school friend and congratulating him on graduating
college.
I met her for the first time in person. There was
just something about her that made me happy. That day,
that night, everything was as perfect as I could have
imagined it. She was everything I had pictured. Everything
that I knew her as was now real. I left, but I had this
urge to do something for her. So I took that 400 mile
drive again, picked her up, and drove her to Los Angeles
for the chance of a lifetime.
 I
have a lot of power in this world to make things happen.
Call it cockiness, call it self-realization, whatever.
But I know I do. And I know one of Leena's dreams was
to sing. I've heard her sing on the phone and in person.
So I took the time and effort to make it happen and
give her a shot. I called in my friend who's a producer
for a small music label who specialized in foreign singing
talent. And we made it happen. She sang her heart out
but in the end, it was just not for the best. Was she
ready for the spotlight and center of focus in the singing
industry? Perhaps. There are some things I kept from
Leena that happened in the recording studio me and the
producer had discussed. Will she ever find out? Maybe
one day in the future I'll tell her. So I took the blame
again and had all the favors and requests that had fallen
through become my responsibility. I had a big enough
reputation that I could take on this fault without ruining
any future shots she had in life.
That week was beyond memorable. There isn't a day
I don't think about what had happened that whole week.
From our "Charles and Leena Day" to our photoshoots,
I did whatever I could do in my power to make her happy.
But in the end she left and I wouldn't be able to see
her again for almost one whole year.
During that year I had one semi-serious relationship
that turned sour. Everything that had happened in that
relationship I took blame, but that wasn't good enough.
Her friends slowly chipped away at me until the point
where I cracked and before I knew it, I had hurt a lot
of people. I made a grown man cry, I had embarrassed
and ruined her reputation, I was full of regrets saying
some of the things I said. There again Leena showed
up. She didn't really defend me, nor did I want her
to, but she also didn't attack me like everyone else
had done. She was my reason, something I had lacked
at that time.
I reevaluated my life. I stopped the unnecessary
dating. I stopped going out with random girls. I stopped
wanting to be chased after. Everything else in my life
had gone great. I was becoming a successful business
man, I had gotten a new job at UCLA. Everything was
just great except for the one aspect in my life that
I can't seem to control no matter how hard I try. 3
months went, then 4, 5, getting to the point that this
was the longest I had gone without any contact from
women. Sure I was still getting the messages and proposals,
but I didn't jump on any of them. For whatever reason
I didn't. The best thing I could come up with is that
the next girl I was to be with, I didn't want my past
history to be the reason we didn't work out.
Leena's a very busy girl. And I'm a very busy guy.
No one knows what I go through every day. I know for
a fact no one but me could handle the life I live, no
one. And as I built what every one has come to know
as TekRebel Designs, I plastered my life with things
that could keep me happy and sane. Every day since Leena
last left my life I had woken up to seeing her and I
at Disneyland. That was good enough to get me out of
bed. Earlier this year I had gone to see a psychologist
and we talked about everything. In the end he predicted
that I would have a nervous breakdown before I turned
25. How's that for inspiration? No matter what I did,
no matter what path I chose, it was inevitable.
Then I realized something profound. In my car are
two stickers of me and Leena that we had taken the first
time we met. I remember smiling one day realizing that
for whatever reason, I had not taken them down. From
that point on, every meeting I went to, every place
I went to, every time I stepped foot in my car no matter
what my condition, I stepped out happy. A CD that she
had left in my car when we drove down to Cali had not
moved from its disc 1 slot for nearly one year. Every
song she had introduced me to I thought of her.
I realize that the way my life and hers is set up,
there's almost no chance for us to be together. I wouldn't
want her to give up her life, and I know she wouldn't
dare make me give up my life for her. "With great power
comes great responsibility." And as much as I hate living
my day to day life wishing it was something simpler,
I can't. It's not a choice I have to make, it's my destiny
defined.
So I had Leena come down to come see me again. I
know she had wanted a much-needed vacation. And now
here we are, the start of Leena and Charles part 3.
I couldn't really sleep the night before. I woke
up at sunrise (6am) and that has got to be the longest
6 hours I've ever had to go through. I got to the airport
an hour early and if the first couple hours were slow,
this last hour I could have sworn the clock had taken
a minute step back.
I picked her up from the airport at 12:05 in the
afternoon. This was Leena's first time flying. In the
2 years I've known her I've been a lot of "first" to
her. I was the first person she's ever met on the internet.
I took her on her first long trip away from home to
Los Angeles. I took her to her first time in Disneyland.
And now this. If there was ever one person she could
ever trust no matter what happens, I'd like to think
it would be me. I care for Leena and love her so much
to a point where she will never know, even if I have
do it from a distance I will. There isn't anything in
this world I wouldn't do just to make her happy, just
to see her smile. If I haven't proved that yet, maybe
one day, I will.
 I
saw her come down the escalator. I was beyond happy.
Just having her in my arms brought back all the things
I missed. There's nothing I could write that could explain
all the feelings that went through me in that split
second seeing her for the first time again. She's still
as beautiful as when I last remembered, if not more.
I gave her a single rose upon meeting her. Earlier
my friend and I had had a conversation about the meaning
of flowers and why guys buy them. I thought it was interesting
so I'll share it with you. She initially asked why I
hadn't bought her a dozen. She said that if I were seeing
someone again for the first time in a long time she
would have loved a dozen. My reasoning is that guys
buy a dozen when they've done something wrong, when
it's an anniversary, or some other occasion. I then
asked her would she rather have a dozen roses preempted
and expected, or would she rather have one every day,
for no reason whatsoever, other than to let that special
somebody know that you were thinking of them. I've given
Leena 2 other roses in my life, I believe she still
has them both.
She flew into Ontario, so naturally afterwards I
took her to Ontario Mills since it was only a short
10 minute drive away. But first we went to go eat at
Cucina Cucina, one of my preferred eating places in
that area. I think Leena ate more off of my plate then
hers. Afterwards we took a short stop at Walmart, bought
our traditional, disposable Kodak cameras and proceeded
onto Ontario Mills. We walked around for a couple hours,
she had bought some clothes for her friends back home.
She fell asleep on the drive home and of course I had
to take pictures of her sleeping. It was beautiful.
When she got home she slept for hours. For the last
couple months if not longer, Leena has had the most
unusual sleeping patterns. Sometimes that worries me.
But I let her sleep even though so many times I just
wanted to wake her up just so I could be with her.
We took a walk that night around my neighborhood.
I've lived here more than 2 years now and even then
there was some streets I have yet to venture into. We
walked and talked about anything and everything and
sometimes even nothing. But it didn't matter, her being
there was all that mattered. That night we watched Final
Destination because she had seen the second one but
not the first one. Then we fell asleep. She slept for
like 10 hours almost waking up at noon. If she didn't
get this kind of sleep in Sacramento, at least she was
getting it here. In a way that made me feel trusted.
I couldn't wait for her to wake up, so there were times
I just watched her sleep...
 The
second day of her vacation I took her to Westminster
so that she could visit Little Saigon. We stopped by
the Asian Mall and walked around. Didn't really find
anything so we began driving the streets finding some
Vietnamese music stores. We stopped by a couple and
she bought some CDs she had been looking for quite some
time. Sometimes I wish I had taken the time to learn
more about my culture cause every time Leena's around,
she just brings this envy I get. I've met a lot of Vietnamese
girls and she is by far the most knowledgeable. Afterwards
we stopped by the nearby Block of Orange and watched
The Bourne Supremacy. Very good movie, I definitely
recommend it.
That night I took her to Huntington Beach where the
bonfires lit up the night sky. We walked on the beach
and watched the sunset. Was this as perfect as I could
get it? Perhaps. I stared at the horizon and I thought
to myself "That's the ocean I'd swim for her." Sounds
corny? I know... but I would have. In an instant, without
hesitation, even if I had to die trying... just to make
her happy...
Seagulls left their footprints in the sand. The waves
crashed at our feet. I held her hand and we walked towards
the sunset. She told me that I was lucky to have a beach
that beautiful this close to where I lived. And I've
thought about it, that beach has always been an hour
drive away any where I've lived so far, and yet this
was only my second time there. There's a saying I go
by "What's all the wealth in the world if you have no
one to share it with." Maybe its better said "What's
all the places in the world if you have no one to go
with?" That beach wasn't beautiful because I lived only
an hour away, it was beautiful because you were there
with me Leena...
That night I drove home. I couldn't stop thinking
that this was as close as I would ever get to being
with her. After Monday night we would go back to IMs,
messages, phone calls, and a computer screen. So many
times I've thought about giving it all up for her. Giving
up the lavish life I've liven thus far, giving up a
dream job I was so fortunate to have, moving up north
to be with her, and start over new. I would start over
completely new, no reputation if not a bad one for leaving
everything behind, another uphill climb. The chances
of succeeding twice in one lifetime is slim to none.
Would she want that? I don't think she would. But it
lingers in the back of my mind. And it conflicts with
what I know cant... and won't happen. It's that part
of me that wants to keep trying... hoping that there
is a small chance that it might happen...
 We
stopped by Walmart and she bought some things. She bought
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles DVD collection set.
We watch it that night along with some of the movies
we had downloaded earlier from Boa and other Korean
and Japanese artist. We fell asleep and she slept again
for the longest time. I was just happy watching her.
I could see her dreaming. And for a moment I felt that
she was happy...
Next day, Saturday, was the big Findapix party. It
was my good friend Vergel's 21st birthday. We were about
to meet some of the faces behind the Screen names. Highly
anticipated event. We watched a Walk to Remember a few
hours before the party. Sometimes I wished I had that
life, the complete opposite of mine. We got ready and
let me just say, Leena looked absolutely stunning. Even
I caught myself checking her out more than I should
have. We arrived there at around 6PM. Being the jokester
I am, I said I would enter with my "I'm Too Sexy" theme
music. I thought that was a good laugh. She was definitely
without a doubt the center of attention for the ladies.
A hot girl that could beat your ass in a game of pool
is something you can't miss.
I could see all these guys come up and try to talk
to her and I will admit that I had a small sense of
jealousy. Yeah I know... I'm not supposed to... but
I did. I introduced her to anyone and everyone I knew
or had knew me. It was a great party. Met some old faces
and some new ones. We left around 1 AM and just talked
some more. We had passed the halfway point to her vacation.
Which saddened me a great deal
That Sunday is a Sunday I will never forget, maybe
for all the wrong reasons.
That day I was going to surprise her with the San
Diego Zoo. I know Leena has a great affinity for animals,
and I thought what better place to take her than to
a place with a plethora of them. So we got our lunch
from Subway. My initial plan was to take it to the nearby
park and have a small picnic, but it was too hot so
we just drove to San Diego. 2 hour drive with some traffic.
A long time ago I had told Leena that we would take
a vacation and drive along the coast. So I took the
scenic route along I-5. It wasn't that big of a deal
I don't think, but it was a small promise I had kept.
"Maybe one day..."
 We
got there and everything was going great for the first
few hours. I like to think that Leena was enjoying spending
time with me. But I let my trust and faith turn into
logic and questions. It seemed that every few minutes
she was getting a random phone call from a random stranger
asking where she was. So many times I heard "I'm in
San Diego" as I tried to patiently wait for her to finish
her conversation. Why pick up the call when its from
someone unimportant? And then I screwed up. I won't
go into great detail what I had said or did, but it
was the inevitable. And I would rather forget it, but
I don't think I ever will.
All the months I've spent building up her level of
comfort was destroyed with a few moments. And as I sat
there contemplating at the duck pond on what to say
or do, it really didn't matter because from that point
on, everything I said was the wrong thing to say.
It was a 4 hour drive home. Traffic was at its worst
timing ever and the silent treatment was not helping.
I felt horrible. I wish I could fix the mistake I had
made. For the first time ever I saw her truly unhappy
face to face, and that made me feel a thousand times
worse. I felt suicidal for the first time in a long
time. I just wanted to crash my car into the semis ahead
of me. And at one point I almost did... Some guy had
honked his horn at me and that triggered me to redline
my gauges and hit 70mph in the slow lane in traffic.
I exited just in time, pulled over, and took my deep
breaths. I was shaking. For the first time in a long
time I was unstable. My mentality had finally gotten
the best of me. Was this a nervous breakdown? Morso,
perhaps the beginning of one.
Why am I writing about this? Because this is therapeutic
for me. Some people garden. Some people sing softly
to themselves. I write. I write about my feelings...
I sat there in the parking lot. I wanted to throw
up. I just wanted to walk home... all one hundred miles
just so she didn't have the emotional pain of being
around me. Why didn't I crash? Because I saw her and
remembered. If I were to do this, it was definitely
not going to be at her expense. I would never do that
to her, no matter what state of mind I was in. If she
hated me, I still wouldn't have done it. I would have
done anything for her. I even thought about moving up
her flight a day early.
I really wanted her to talk to me. Even if it was
the worst possible thing I could ever hear from her,
I just wanted her to say something to me. She finally
said she was hungry and she wanted some pasta. I didn't
know where the hell I was, but I frantically searched
for anything with some sort of pasta. I didn't want
her to be unhappy with me anymore. Luck would seem to
pull in my favor. It was almost as if it were placed
there for us. It was small Italian place. I watched
her eat. I couldn't eat, I was sick to my stomach. If
that place was the small salvage to whatever's left
to me and Leena's relationship, then I owe them the
world. So I gave them my card and told them to call
me for any favors they would ever need.
 So
I drove some more. This is the worse I've felt in a
long time. I guess for once I've finally been knocked
down from my high horse. That night I knew things weren't
the same. I tried my best just to do anything she wanted.
She wanted ice cream, I scooped it for her. She wanted
a drink I served it for her. I just couldn't stop worrying.
I was afraid she was going to run away to a place unknown
to her. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that
happened. That whole night I had tears in my eyes that
wouldn't fall. I still have them now writing this.
This morning I woke up at 8am. I couldn't sleep.
So I came down and wrote this. Today I really had something
special planned. Something more than just scenery and
a few cheesy lines in the moment. It involved the Getty
Museum, a place she had been longing to visit since
the last time. It involved a well planned collaboration
of anyone I could call on for help. I told them what
I wanted, I told them what I needed, and they were all
willing to do it for me. But unfortunately what was
planned will die along with me and the few involved.
I'd rather not dwell on the "what ifs" in life for I
know that will slowly be the end of me. Today didn't
happen for a reason. I'm that reason...
I'm spending these last couple hours with Leena expecting
them to be my last. Maybe one day she'll want to come
see me again. It could be a month, it could be a year,
or it could never happen ever again. So if these are
the few lasting moments I have left with her, I've never
been really good with words in person. So I'm going
to write what I feel. I know there's going to be a lot
of things I forget to say... but this is the best I
could do...
Everyday since I first met you, you were always something
special to me. I worry about you, I protect you, I care
about you, I love you. I would never let anything bad
happen to you as long as I can prevent it. And I will
continue to do so, even if you don't know about it,
Even if you don't want it. Because the second I know
I've let something get the best of you, is the second
I know its gotten the best of me too. You are a part
of me, you are a part of everything I am right now.
Without you, there is, there was no me. Maybe you've
taken as much of the walk as you could with me... and
I thank you for everything... not just today... not
just this week... but I thank you from the beginning.
From the simple hellos to the mid morning phone calls
to all the little things you've made and done for me.
So whatever happens to the future... Just know that
I love you... Always and Forever...
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